Monday, July 11, 2011

Our Children Should Live Forever ...

When I was handed my first child I was scared.  He was so small, so innocent and so totally dependent on me.  From that moment my life changed.   Forever.  I can't say I felt a deep, intense love instantly.  I was afraid I didn't know how to look after him.  I was afraid I wasn't ready to be a parent.  I was afraid I might do it wrong.

Within hours, this small person I created, became a part of me.  He moved into a place in my heart and has lived there since ever since.  He has brought me joy.  He has caused me endless worry.  He has driven me crazy.  He also gave me something I never ever knew.  He gave me family.  My family.  Love.

I had a second child nineteen months later.  The only difference this time is that I wasn't afraid.  I knew how to be a mother.  I was no longer afraid I might do it wrong.  I already knew I would.   I also knew it didn't matter.

I've been a mother now for 19 years.  These 19 years have gone both fast and slow - at the same time.  There were times when a phase seemed endless.  There were other times life went too fast and I wanted moments to last forever.

Last Wednesday everything I knew about being a mother was turned upside down.  Another mother, one I've known for 14 years lost her child.  Her child of 18 years was taken away from her in a tragic accident.  Life as she knew it stopped.  Her life stood still then plummeted a million miles an hour into a ravine so deep and dark, I'm not sure how she will climb out.

Since that day I have been holding on tight to my children.  Ridiculously paranoid.   I keep checking on them.  Wanting them to be home, safe, under my roof, in their beds.  Safe.  With me.

On Wednesday I am going to the funeral.  I am going to watch a mother and a father bury their child.  An 18 year old boy who was the school captain in his last year of school.  A boy who scored an OP1 (the highest score you can get in Grade 12).  He played and wrote music.  He had a huge smile.  He was one of those rare human beings that everyone who ever met him made room in their life for him.  The world was his oyster.  He had so much potential.  So much to offer.  Sadly the world misses out now.   One night, one bad decision.  Gone.

When I signed up to be a parent, I didn't sign up to the possibility of ever having to bury my child.  This never entered my mind.  Now it is all I think about.

RIP Leon.  Too young.  Too soon.



Diminishing Lucy said...

Oh Annie. I am so so sorry. This is just heartbreaking. For you, for Leon's family. Huge hugs to you all. xxx

KymOG said...

My worst fear! Thinking of you, your son, and Leon's family. There are no words.

Suz said...

Love to you. I am holding my boys close too xxxx

ally said...

I feel chilled to the bone
It's my worst fear, my nightmare.
Thinking of you and your friend and your families

deemadigan said...

I will hug my kids extra hard tonight.

Kate said...

Heartbreaking... Every parent's greatest fear.

Holding my children tighter too tonight. Much love to you and your friend.

Rachael Johns said...

That is absolutely awful. Hugs to you and your friend and her family. x

fifi_labelle1 said...

Life is super precious & unfortunately sometimes - it's not until it's taken away that we reallyappreciate it. Saying goodbye is hard at anytime - but saying goodbye forever to a child is gut're right Annie, there's going to be tough times ahead...lucky your friend has you to help support her........xxxxx

Maxabella said...

Oh my. That hurts so much. How will your friend ever make it through? Oh my. Oh. x

Ms Styling You said...

Oh Annie, it is the unthinkable - sending you love for your friend x

Natalie said...

Beautifully written post Annie! But clearly so gut wrenching. I can imagine the pain of burying a child; ever since I saw my best friend's parents bury their only child (and my best friend) 3 years ago. It was so tough for everyone...but especially the parents!!

Much love and many thoughts to all affected!! xx
RIP Leon!

Girl Clumsy said...

Terribly awful. My heart goes out to your friend, and her family.

Christie said...

It hurts too much to even think about. Wishing strength and peace to their family and yours.

Michelle said...

thinking you and the family today.
i don't think losing a child is something anyone could ever get over - just learning to live without them while here on earth.
So sad. xxx

nonoodle said...

No parent should ever bury their child.......
Hugs xoxo

Denwise aka Denyse Whelan said...

Thoughts of Leon ... Loving their son.... Forever... And never to see again.

It is a loss that is unfathomable.

It's not right, parents burying a child. One on the cusp of greatness & adult life.

I know, Annie, how tough it is to "let kids go, too"
We bear them, care for them, love them ..... And sometime have to let them go.
Leave in another person's car. Drive own car. Step on a plane to travel.

No one ever ever expects that their child will not return.

Oh Annie. Much love to you, and your boys and through to the funeral service tomorrow.... Those parents. Nothing can be said or done to "make it better"

Too sad. Denyse xx

Being Me said...

I am deeply sorry for the loss of Leon from your lives and from this world. So very sorry. Peace be with you xxxxx

BKWilliams said...

My friend lost her husband in a tragic accident. She did not want to be around people, she did not want to talk, she just wanted to be left alone. It was really sad.

There was nothing I could do, so once a month for the next year I sent her a thinking of you card. Just wrote a simple little note telling her I was thinking of her and telling her if she needed anything to call.

About the ninth month into the card sending, she called to tell me how much she appreciated the cards. She said please don't stop because she looked forward to receiveing them and needed their comfort.

I am telling you this, because when there is a death lots of people are around for the week of the funeral and then the family is left alone. I think Leon's family will need your love and support through that first year. All of the "firsts" they will face are the hardest...the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, etc. without him.

I breaks my heart to know the pain you and your friend are suffering. The loss of a child is forever tragic. Please know your reader's love and thoughts are with you during this difficult time. Bless you and yours.

stink-bomb said...

my 19 year old cousin died earlier this year in a car accident. she was so full of life and lived every minute of it to the fullest. she was so loved, so many turned out for her funeral - her death was just such a shock.

her mother, my cousin, struggles everyday with not having her daughter, her first born still here with her, laughing with her - which they did a lot of, looking forward to the rest of her life. it's heartaching to see and not be able to do anything about.

losing a child, be it in utero or in life, is not something you ever get over - it's just something you learn to live with.


InkPaperPen said...

Devastating news. I am so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to Leon and his family.

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